- Quote
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
2. Quote
A Canadian psychologist is
selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog
is smarter than you.
- Quote
We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet.
- Quote
Hate to break it to you, Facebook, but the entire Internet is already a Dislike button.
- Quote
How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have a huge clock right in the middle of the town.
- Quote
Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.
- Quote
New York Times writer Amy Chozick giving an example of what it was like working for a fashion magazine: “A girl got on [the elevator] with a Birkin bag, and her friend goes, ‘Oh, my God, I love your bag; is that new?’ and she goes, ‘No, I got it, like, a week ago.’”
- Quote
Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as a cat does.
- Quote
We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.
- Quote
Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.
11. Quote
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did–in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
- Quote
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
- Quote
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
- Quote
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
- Quote
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
- Quote
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
- Quote
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
- Quote
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell “BINGO!”
- Quote
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
- Quote
Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.
